Part Two

Those poor two souls… If I had known their feelings sooner, I might not end-up like this… am I?

Taichi and Hiro had come to sleep in my room every night now. They are worried about me, I know… I had slit my wrist so many times before. It’s just that they never knew. I told them that it’s not like I wanted to die or anything. I just do it to cure my illness. I’m sick of feeling so sad and alone and also nothing at all…

Sadness…

Loneliness…

Numbness…

Those are my sickness…

But it’s just that on the night Taichi found me, I really do feel like I wanted to die. I miss him… I miss that angel of death. A sudden breeze of wind lightly touches the skin on my face as I thought of it. It feels cold…

He was there, wasn’t he? On the night when I first done it. I thought I heard a voice… Every time I slit my wrist, I always heard a whisper. That beautiful mysterious whisper… And I always felt cold wind on my lips. It was as if a kiss. A silent kiss… But the last night I’ve done it, it’s more authentic. I could feel him hugging me and his voice no longer drowning in a whisper. I could hear him clearly…

If it wasn’t for these poor two souls, I can meet my angel of death again. They just won’t leave me alone. My angel of death… Are you a ghost? Or are you a devil? Or could you just be an angel? Near death experience gives you wonderful feelings…

How do I get rid of these two? Maybe, I can pretend… Pretend that I’m okay. Fake my smiles… Or I could even pretend that I’m in love with either one of them… What a splendid idea!
No… No. I don’t want to hurt them that much… Everything should be okay now, isn’t it? It should be… there are those who care for me after all. I should be happy… should I?

“Oy…” I called out to both of them who were sleeping on their futon on the floor and squeeze myself in the middle of them.

“Hikaru, what are you doing?!” Taichi asked in an angry tone though he still sounds half-asleep. Hiro just simply go back to sleep. For a moment there, I thought he was a statue or something. He’s unmovable… and it’s also hard to wake him up in the morning.

“I feel cold so I thought some body heat might be nice.” I said smiling in the darkness of the room. I wonder if Taichi can see this smile that I put on display for him.

“Oh well…” He said and goes back to sleep.

Wow, it’s been a long time since I feel this way. The last time I ever slept next to anyone would be three years ago. I feel warm and comfortable already. Suddenly, I feel Taichi is hugging me.

“What’s up, Taichi?” I asked.

“Can I kiss you?” Taichi asked a difficult question for me to answer.

“Hiro is here…” I gave him a simple excuse.

“He sleeps like a dead man…” Taichi said and quickly weave his weight on me. I can feel it now; every inch of his well-built body on top of me. A boy as weak as me could not push him away. He’s such a strong guy. He won lots of trophies for martial arts in school and ever represented the school for martial arts competition worldwide. But, I don’t want this… I put my hand on his chest indicating him to back off though I did not say a word. “It’s your fault for wanting to sleep here. You’re cold, right? Let me heat you up…” He said and our lips met. I was warm. He forced me to open up my lips for his tongue but I refused. When was it the last time anyone had ever been on top of me like this? I missed those moments…

I closed my eyes.

Let’s play pretend…

^He is Chisato…^

So I let him kiss me and I also kiss him back. We kissed each other for a while now but, he’s gotten more aggressive. His hands started to move all over my body. He began to undress me. It is at that time when we both stopped. There’s a sound of a glass broken somewhere suddenly. I put my pajamas back on and turn on the lights. It’s the vase near the window. It’s broken… then, a gust of cold wind passes through me. Is it…?

“Wonder what could have broken it… the windows are closed.” Taichi said and slowly hugs me from behind.

“Please… Taichi… Don’t.”

He then sighs and let go of me after a while. “I’ll clean that up.” He said. Maybe he gets what I mean… I just didn’t mean to hurt him.

But, that cold wind…

The broken vase…

Is it my angel of death?

Is he here?

Is he angry?

***

Hiro had just finished bathing. He then goes straight to my drawer. “Can I wear one of your shirts?” He asked me.

“Okay…” I said. I didn’t mind anyway.

As Hiro picks one of the shirts, Taichi took it away from him as fast as a bolt of lightning. “You can’t wear that!” He screamed at Hiro. He then hand in his own shirt to Hiro. “Wear mine!”

“No! I will wear Hikaru’s!” Hiro fought back for my shirt.

“No! It’s mine!!” Taichi screamed and pulls it to him stronger.

“Now, now… if you guys go on like that, you’ll rip my shirt apart.” I said, sitting on my bed watching them. They stopped pulling for a while but then continue to fight for it. I sigh and say; “Come one, you guys. Why don’t you both wear any of my shirts, okay? There are plenty of them in the drawer…”

Okay, that seems to work… they both found the shirt that they wanted and let go of the first one that they were fighting for. Do these kinds of thing happen when you love someone?

“What’s this?” Taichi asked suddenly. He picks up a frame from my drawer with a picture in it. It’s a picture of me and Chisato in our school uniform.

“Is this your boyfriend?” Hiro asked, looking at it too. “So you are into boys, huh?"

“What?! You never told me you already had someone! I’d hate to admit it but you guys do look good together.” Taichi said in his usual angry tone.

I quickly got up and went to them. I took the picture slowly away from Taichi’s hand. I guess I just can’t hide the sad look on my face now. I hold the picture close to me as I went back to sit on my bed. “He was my boyfriend.” I said solemnly.

“Was? So you broke up with him?” Taichi asked a stupid question.

“We never broke up.” I said. I looked down, fighting the tears. I remember how Chisato looked; a tall senior with dark hair and soft brown eyes. He is so beautiful… he smell of cherry. It was his bathing foam. The smell lasted on his skin. I had always liked the smell of him. He is firm yet, graceful in many ways… I should just tell them. They never knew about it. They should know.

“He’s dead.” I said, still fighting the tears and hugs the picture closer to my chest.

“Ah! Sorry…” Taichi said, in shock.

“Sorry.” Hiro said softly.

That’s what they all said…

“Sorry for your loss.”

That’s just what they all can say…

Now the memories hit my head like gunshots…

I had been transferred to all-boys school in Saitama. I hated being in my previous school. The girls there hated me. They say I should not exist or something and that boys shouldn’t be prettier than girls. What’s with them? There’s no reason for them to be jealous or anything. I’m just a boy. And a boy couldn’t have possibly been prettier than girls! God! It’s not my faults that the other guys would chase after me. It’s just my poor luck. The guys would try to do all sort of harassments to me and the girls would just hate me.

I had my dark hair longer back then. I would tie it up in a pony-tail style. When I looked into the mirror, it does feels like a girl is staring back at me with her wide shiny green eyes. But still, I’m just a boy. I used to be a happy-go-lucky person. I guess that’s why the other boys would suddenly come around me and try to do funny things to me. They treated me like a joke. It was at that moment when a tall senior with an unusually beautiful looks saved me. And after that, nobody ever dare to go near me. That guy is Chisato. He is the president of the student’s council board. Everyone respected him. He looks at everyone in a serious manner and talks firmly with them. But, he is always nice to me. He would look at me with his beautiful eyes and speak softly to me with his beautiful lips.

Is that really me back then? A happy-go-lucky person, is it? It’s just that I was never really lucky… I remember the first time I ever spoke to Chisato in person.

A senior wearing spectacle suddenly stood in front of me. He is the secretary of the Student’s Council Board. “The president wanted to see you.” He said.

“Really? Did I do something wrong?” I asked, worried.

He just smiles. “Maybe you did…” He simple said.

I feel my heart is beating faster and I sweat a bit. Why would the president wanted to see me? I open the door of the Student’s Council meeting room. There, all sort of gorgeous guys are in the room. But the most beautiful person, who really caught my attention would be; the president.

“Ah… you’re here.” The president said with a soft voice. “Come… sit here…” he said indicating me to sit in front of him. I went straight to him and sit there. “How ‘bout some tea?” He asked.

“Ah... That’ll be nice.” I said. What’s this smell? Smells like cherry.

“Hurm… a small guy like you had such a strong voice.” He said noticing it.

“Yes. Thanks to that, people will believe that I’m a boy.” I said. It’s the truth. That’s like the only visible masculinity for me.

“Interesting…” He said. And then he served me the tea.

“Thank you.” I said as I took the cup and sip it. I put it down on the table and look at him in his eyes. What a beautiful pair of eyes… And those eyes are staring at me deeply as if it could reach my soul. I quickly look away.

“You’re Hikaru Suzui, right?” He asked.

“Yes. Um… I haven’t quite figured out your name, though… I’m sorry…” I said. I think I’m trembling. Being in this room is way too awkward for me. They are all looking at me.

“How rude…” He said, but it doesn’t seem like he’s serious over the matter.

“What? I’m sorry!” I said almost sounded like I’m begging.

He looked at me with piercing eyes. “Let’s teach you some manners.” He said teasingly. I’m scared. I’m really scared. It’s like he possesses some kind of devilish aura or something. “Kiss me and I’ll tell you my name…” He said and smiles innocently at me. He is totally in contrast of the way he looked at first! What a ‘Drama King’!

But somehow, my lips could not move…

I can’t utter a word…

Then, it just moves on its own and met the president’s lips. It is a soft kiss. It’s him. It’s his scent that smells like cherry. What am I doing? “Can I know your name now?” I simply asked. That was really an automatic act. He’s too beautiful to resist. He had that devilish aura that makes me feel so curious and interested in him.

“Chisato Akifumi.” He said, smiling, looking satisfied.

“Akifumi-san, if you excuse me, I have a class coming.” I said.

“Please call me Chisato, Hikaru.” He said. “Nice to meet you.”

Aren’t it a bit too late to say this? “Nice to meet you too.” And I walk away.

***