Part Three

“Tonight, we’ll be coming again, okay?” Tachi said to me as the three of us reach the gate.

“Yes. See you.” I said and they left for their home. As I’m about to walk to the direction of my home, I saw a familiar figure in the distance. He is looking at me with an irritated expression.

“What do you want, Sano?” I asked.

“Do you really think you could run away from me?” He asked angrily.

“What is it this time? Is Ishii not enough for you?”

He looked at me angrily but then, it’s no longer anger. It is sadness… it reflected in his eyes. “It’s never enough…” He said sadly.

I don’t get it. What is it could he possibly meant by that?

“Why can’t you see it, Hikaru? What else do I have to do to you to make you realize?!” He yelled at me like crazy. “No matter what I do, you never see me…” He said. His voice began to tremble and he then breaks down into tears. “I will break you, I will hurt you, I will even kill you! Until… Until you love me…”

“Sano?” I’m surprised to hear this. Not again. Another poor soul… Is he in love with me too?
“You love me, is it?”

“Yes! And that’s why I took Ishii away from you. I just want you to see me!” He said angrily with tears on his eyes.

My God, that was the stupidest thing for someone to do to show his love. “You’re unbelievable…” I said. “You’re so stupid.”

“So what if I am?!” He asked, looking pathetic more than ever.

“Don’t you know how to speak without yelling, Sano?”

“I can’t… I’ve been holding this for too long. I loved you even during the time Chisato is around. That guy, he just won’t let me get anywhere near you! I thought I could have you when he’s gone. But, you just… you just shunned everyone away… including me.” He said and cries. “You even hurt yourself… I can’t stand it, Hikaru… but, I can’t stop you either… What was it that Ishii had that he can replace Chisato?! What is it that I don’t have that I can’t replaced him?!”

He says such things about Chisato without even realizing how much it breaks my heart just to hear the name ‘Chisato’. But that’s just Sano; the selfish Sano who never aware of others’ feelings. I went up to him and hug him. “Sano…” I called out to him. “You’ve always been important, you know? Especially after I lost my family… You’re the closest to me.” I tried to comfort him. How painful it is to live as me… After losing the love of my life, I lost me parents too in a plane crash. No wonder why I don’t feel so alive anymore anyway…

“Why do you have to be with that Ishii instead of me?”

“Because I was such a fool. I just needed someone to replace Chisato. But, I was so wrong. No one can ever replace him. I never loved Ishii… it had always been… Chisato.” I confessed and I cry too. It’s the truth anyway. I was so stupid to accept Ishii whom I do not love at all and it end up tearing apart the friendship that I held for so long with Sano. To think back, he had always hated Chisato and tried to do many things to drive him away. I never knew he had feelings for me… but, he is no closer to me other than as a friend. Or maybe just almost like a brother to my heart.

***

“That stupid Chisato!!!” Sano yelled angrily. “How dare he touches you like that?!”

“Come on, Sano. He just wanted some affection, I guess…” I said trying to calm him down. Perhaps I shouldn’t have told him about Chisato’s harassments towards me.

“I’ll rip his head open!” Sano said angrily while squeezing the pillow on the sofa pretending that it is the head of Chisato. There’s no way to tame this guy when he’s mad. It is me who should be mad anyway. Not him… “You should just stay at our school.” He said after sighing for a while.

“Your school, is it? It’s not our school anymore. My mom made me transferred. Anyway, I don’t even wanna stay there.”

“What? You didn’t want to stay? Even when I’m around?!” Sano hissed. Did I hurt him or something?

“Oh no… It’s nothing like that, stupid Sano… It’s just not safe for me to be there anymore. They all cheered knowing that I’ll be transferring. Aren’t it for the best?”

“It’s the girls who cheered. They’re just jealous because you are prettier than them.” Sano said.

“If they didn’t do anything, I might have stayed. But remember the time when one of them took the knife trying to cut my face? I was scared as hell…” I said, remembering the look on that girl’s face. She looked like an angry spirit or something screaming; “let me tear that pretty face apart!!!” as she chased after me. I got out with only a cut on my back. I don’t want to encounter that anymore…

Sano sighs. I bet he, too, could not escape the fact that all the girls in my previous school will have me killed one day if I stayed. The bell of the front door rang suddenly. I went to the door. My parents were away for a business meeting. They couldn’t have gotten back this early. I was their only child and there’s hardly anyone else who would rang this bell except for Sano, my best friend. So, who could it be, then? I open the door. It’s… Chisato?!

“Hello, there… can I come in?” He simple asked steadily ignoring my pop-out eyes and how shocking it is for me to see him at my front door.

“Ah…Yes….” I said, pulling myself back together. He then simply walks in.

Sano is shocked to see him. I’ve never seen his eyes ever popped-out like that before. He then cries and screams, “I hate you, Hikaru!!!!” He then ran out of the house.

“What’s with him?” I asked to myself aloud.

“Maybe he just had to accept the fact that I’m way too gorgeous and he is no match for me.” Chisato talked big of himself.

I don’t get what he means anyway. “How come you know where I stay?” I asked.

“I looked… Summer holiday is killing me. I can’t see you daily like when we’re in school.” I think what he actually meant is that he can’t torture me daily like when we’re in school. He sat down on the sofa. He taps on his side. “Won’t you come and sit next to me?” He asked.

I did as what he wants. “You’re weird. You just can’t leave me alone, can you?” I asked. After our first meeting, he kept torturing like when he asked someone to push me from behind so that I fall flat on my face with my hot coffee soaked through my shirt… “Kiss me and I’ll get another shirt for you.” He would say. And then, there’s that time when I was playing soccer, he would asked those kids to kick the ball right to my head and had me fainted. When I woke-up, he would be there and said, “I’ve put medicine on you. You should kiss me now to repay for my kindness…” I would just kiss him quickly on his lips every time…

“Yeah… I can’t. You’re just like magnet. I would always be following you wherever you go.” He said with his head high, as usual.

“I wonder why you like to torture people so much.”

“Ah… You’re wrong. It is only you whom I tortured. No one else…”

“Why?” I asked. Maybe it’s a good time to know after all.

“You really want to know?” He asked, still with his head high.

“Yes…”

“Because I like you... No. I love you.” He said, shamelessly.

There it goes. Invisible electric shock runs through my nerve system. I’m dead… or so it feels…

***

I smile remembering those moments. Taichi and Hiro are already in my room. They’re playing video game. It’s one of those racing cars game. I’m not at all interested in that kind of game.

Driving that fast…

It reminds me of the past…

I need to sleep now. If I think of the past, I will cry and feel like slitting my wrist again. Sleep… I must sleep…

The car drove really fast down the hill. It almost hit the signboard by the road! I hear my screaming filled the still night air and Chisato would just laugh at me. He finally stopped the car by the side of the road.

“Chisato, you jerk! What the hell are you thinking? You could get us both killed!!” I yelled at him. I hardly lose my cool before… But this time, I really am mad!

“Calm down, sweet Hikaru… You’re really attractive when you’re mad, you know? Shall we do it here?” He asked me teasingly.

“Chisato, quit joking around! I’m serious! We almost die back there!” I screamed angrily.

“So?” He asked me seriously. I am shocked to hear this. Doesn’t he even care about it? “What if we die, Hikaru? Don’t you feel happy to die with me?” He asked me again, there’s a sad tone to his last line.

“Chisato, are you okay?” I think something is wrong with him tonight.

His sad face suddenly turns back into his shiny usual self. “Nothing, my love! Everything is fine…” He smiles brightly.

I’ve never noticed this before. He is always as bright as the sun. He never feels sad or hurt… at least not in front of me. He never raises his voice, he never got angry, he never cries, he never complaint… he always just smiles brightly and makes me feel happy. This makes me wonder…is it really him? Is he just… faking it?!

“Chisato… I love you… I would die for you.” I try to comfort him.

“Really? Thank you… I will remember that.” He smiles and hugs me closer to him.

“Please… tell me what you really feel, Chisato. I mean, you’re always all sunny in front of me. I wonder if that’s only your façade or something…” I explained.

He then let go of me. I feel the coldness of the night air now. It’s really dark out here… There, he wears a gloomy face. I’ve never seen him like this. I’m worried about him.

“My parents knew about us…” he said. “They do not approve of us. Just like everyone in school.” He looked down. There are tears in his eyes. I quickly wipe it away with my both hands. I wanted to tell him how much I wanted to be with him and I don’t care of what others think. I don’t care about them at all. But, I couldn’t speak. It’s just that this is the first time I’ve ever seen his tears. He then held my hands tightly with his and looked at me, still with those tearful eyes. “I love you too much, Hikaru… I hate this world! I hope that one day we can find a better world for us to live. I hope that we can become invisible and we can fly far away from here to find a better place for just the two of us to be together…” he broke down. With his crumbling voice, he held me close and whispers to my ears, “Maybe only death can safe us from this cruel world…”

I woke up from my sleep abruptly, sweating! I hardly heard those words back then. Now, I heard him!

That angel of death… “Hikaru, join me…”

Chisato… “Only death can safe us…”

It’s what I should do! I had always been wondering; why Chisato had committed suicide? Why does he leave me without saying a word? Why does he jump off from the bridge without me? Did I do something wrong? I had always wondered… The truth… if I really wanted to know the truth…, I should just… I should just ask him myself!

I sat on my study table quickly, turned on the study lamp and write a letter for Sano. Tomorrow is the school’s festival. Everyone will be busy so nobody will realize my absence, I guess.

Tomorrow would be my dying day and this is my suicide letter…

***

I quickly headed home as soon as the festival begins. I manage to stop by at Sano’s house and drop the letter in his mailbox before taking the train home. He would read the letter tomorrow, I hope.

I took the razor from my drawer and went straight into the bathroom. I sat on the toilet seat slowly. The marble floor is wet and the usual coldness that it gives to my feet feels a bit unusual this time. I haven’t done this for a week or so. My hands are trembling… I place the end of that sharp razor on my wrist. I want to push it deeper so that it pokes my skin but I could not do it! I’m scared! I tried… but I can’t! Why?! I’m crying now. I can’t take this. I really wanted to end this… Please…I need the strength to do this.

Wait… What’s that? I thought I saw a shadow passes in front of me. It was quick. I can’t tell if it’s just a gust of wind or a thing. But then, I saw a big black wing. It is like a wing of an angel, only that it’s black. A person is standing in front of me, staring at me. He is the one with the wings. He’s… the angel of death?!

Now I can see him clearer. He is tall… The wings…they are not fake. It’s real! Black feathers surrounded my bathroom’s floor…I looked at him in his eyes. He has dark hair but the eyes; it’s completely black! He’s…

“Chisato!!!” I screamed, dropping down the razor with a low sound of clicking on the floor and hug him close. He’s real! I can feel him and I can touch him. His skin is cold but it doesn’t matter… I’m hugging him! I’m so happy! Nothing seems to matter now. He’s here!

“You can see me?” He asked. That voice… the same beautiful soft voice. The same smell… The smell of cherry…

I’m crying… I can’t take it. I missed him so much. “Chisato, you bastard! Why did you leave me?!” I cried.

He only smiles… After a while, he said; “If you can see me then it means you’re nearing your end, Hikaru.” He then points his finger towards the razor on the floor. It moves on its own! It scares the hell out of me! The razor then flew straight into his fingers. He held it at the tips of his fingers and hand it to me. “Why does it take so long for you to realize?” He said, smiling. “Join me, Hikaru. End it.” He said.

I’m confused… What does he mean? But I took the razor from his fingers and wipe my tears. I hesitated. Should I really end this?

“End it and we can be together…” Chisato said, persuading me. I looked into his eyes; his completely blacken eyes. I can’t read his expression. “Trust me, Hikaru. You love me, do you?” Chisato asked.

“Of course I love you!” and I place it on my wrist.

Suddenly, I heard the sound of someone banging the door. I heard voices from outside. Taichi, Hiro, Sano, Ishii?? They’re all here…Sano must have gotten the letter earlier…

“Now, Hikaru! Do it!!” Chisato yelled at me. I’ve never seen him like this…

“Chisato, you’re scaring me…” I said, begging him not to be mad at me. He never raised his voice to me before in his life.

“Didn’t I tell you? I’ll follow you wherever you go, Hikaru! I hate seeing them clinging onto you so much!! End it now!!!” He screamed. The bagging outside continues…

This guy… is he really Chisato? He’s scaring me… But, that smell, that lips, that voice… It is of his… I missed all of that so bad… if I’m still alive, I will miss the sound of his voice and I won’t be so alive either. If I’m still breathing, I will miss the touch of his hand, I will miss his smile, the way he looked at me… I will then remember all of the memories we had. Those memories will pierce my heart. It will leave my heart with pain, scars, bruises, and cuts that will never heal.
So, this is my chance… to be with him and won’t be alive to live like I’m dead, to always see him, hear him, touch him, and love him. I won’t be alive to keep on asking why can’t I be happy, why can’t I feel anything, or why am I still alive…

There… I slit my wrist vertically, deeper than any other time before. It’s conflicting because instead of feeling scared, sad, or concern, I just feel so happy… It felt burning hot at first as the pain stings. I’m ignoring it. I’m just looking at my Chisato there. The world won’t matter. Life don’t need to save a room for someone as broken as me. I just don’t care anymore. The red blood oozes down from the wound like hot lava streaming down from an exploded volcano. I feel a little relief somehow. I’ve done it. It’s ending… all my pain, all my tears, all of my wish and numbness will be put to rest. Now, I can feel my whole body is shaking. It’s really cold like I’m somewhere out on the street on winter. The wound doesn’t feel so hot anymore. I just feel so cold… The blood flows just like water out of me. This will surely not stop bleeding. Please… don’t stop bleeding. Let me run dry. Let me go… I watch the blood flows continuously. I’ll bleed to death… I don’t feel the pain anymore. I just feel cold and this one most pleasant feeling. It felt just like when I’m a baby. It’s some sort of lightness in me. My ears ring. They ring with words from my memories… My once sweet memories…

“Hikaru, one day we will become invisible and fly away from here."

“I’ll become a ghost chasing after you…”

“I love you, Hikaru.”

His words are ringing in my ears… though his eyes are no longer the color of brown; he is still looking at me in his beautiful way… My beautiful Chisato…

I like the fact that Chisato is no longer angry. He is smiling now. He then spreads his wings open and wraps it around me as he held me close to his chest. But, I don’t feel warm. I still feel cold… This coldness seems to slowly creep all over my body. “I love you, Hikaru…” He said softly… I could not…speak… I feel numb. I feel… no-thing… “Sleep now.” He whispers into my ears softly. I…can’t…bre-athe… My lungs… My hea-rt… s-to-ps… … … As the door burst open, I closed my eyes… forever…

***

If Chisato didn’t choose to die, if I also did not make this decision to die, will we ever be accepted in the world? It is forbidden for us to be together. They call us with all sorts of name. The lighter one would be, ‘gay’. The harsh one would be something like, ‘faggot’. But, despite it all, I’m just a boy and Chisato is also a boy and we love each other just like other couples do. What matters is the fact that we “LOVE” each other; it’s not a crime to love someone and be loved in return. We’ll one day wake up in a new world, a world of freedom, far from this so-called ethical world, where the only name they’ll call us is… ‘lover’…

THE END