Part One

My dear, Chisato, where are you now? Are you happy up there? Have you forgotten all about me? Do you still love me? Will you ever forgive me? I missed you terribly. I always cry just by a thought of the times when you are still here. I feel sad when I remember you. I won’t forget how you look, how you talk, how you taste… I want to be with you so bad. Can’t you see I’m suffering? My heart is broken. Sano took Ishii away from me. You know how Sano had been my best friend for years. And Ishii is the only man whom I can open-up my heart to after you’re gone… though I’m not really sure if I really love him… Is this what you want, Chisato? Do you feel so alone up there that you wanted me to be alone too? If it is so, can I just join you? Being alive is painful and lonely. How does it feel when you’re dead?

***

I took the razor and slit my wrist again. This would be… hmmm how many time is it?… I hardly felt anything at first. Just that sharp end of the razor when it hits my skin; it felt cold. It started with a short sting of pain. Slowly later, I can feel the gist of pain… it’s coming slowly. Now, it hurts so bad… I can feel tears filling up my eyes. They stream down on my cheek when I blink just like those bloods streaming down from the cut. They drip on the bathroom floor, covering the white floor with a pool of red liquid. I’m savoring each sensation… this time, it seems serious though… as if I really wanted to die. The blood is oozing from the wound fast. The first few cuts that I made weren’t this deep. Will I die tonight? If it is so, it would’ve been wonderful…

I heard a knock at the door out of a sudden. Who would still be awake this late of night?

“Hikaru, are you in there?” A voice called out to me.

“Yes…” I said without realizing how it almost sounded like a whisper. The pain must’ve taken the best of me. Why am I even answering his call?

“Are you okay?” The voice asked. Now I recognize it. It belongs to Taichi.

“I’m fine…” I manage to control my voice so it doesn’t sound like I’m in trouble. “I’ll be out in a minute…”

I quickly wash my hand. Damn!! It’s so painful! But, somehow, I liked it. I like this pain. It’s my friend...

Hush! That’s when I felt it. It was as if someone is hugging me from behind. I can’t see him in the mirror in front of me. I just heard his voice calling me; “Hikaru, join me…” Who is he? I can’t see him! But… wait a minute! “Chisato?!” I asked. And then I feel it. A kiss… A soft kiss on my lips. It tasted like…Chisato. My love, Chisato… I miss you… And there it goes, the tears came again. I remember…

Chisato held my hand, tighter than usual. He looked at me with his beautiful eyes in his usual beautiful way. I never thought I would fall for a guy before but Chisato changed everything. He kissed me deeply. He then whispered his sweet promises into my ears; “I will love you forever, Hikaru. I will always be watching you. I will always be with you.” I laughed when I heard it. “But what if you die?” I asked him teasingly. “Then I will become a ghost chasing after you.” He said it seriously and I just laughed at his words. But, deep inside my heart, I would want it. I would want him to be around me, forever…

***

When I’m awake, I’m on my bed. So, I’m still alive, is it? My wrist is covered by a white piece of cloth. It looks like a bandage. It still hurts…

“You fainted.” Taichi said without looking at me, sitting at the side of my bed. There’s a sad tone to it.

“Oh…” I didn’t know what else to say.

“Next time when you go to the bathroom, I will accompany you.” He said. It’s like an order instead of an offer.

“But, I won’t do it again.” I lied. I can’t let him stop me. I would already be dead if he wasn’t there. He must’ve crushed the door open. Why does he have to save me? I’m so close!!!

“Don’t say those lies through your teeth like that!” he said raising his voice. He seemed angry when he turns his head to me.

“Okay, okay… You can take a bath with me, wash my back, or do anything you like, okay?” I said without caring much of the consequences, trying to calm him down. All I’m thinking about is who was it that gave me that silent kiss back then… was it a ghost?

“Can I?” Taichi asked suddenly. “Can I even make love to you?” He asked something that brings an invisible electric shock to me. What’s with him? Is he…?

“Why would you want to?” I asked to ensure what I thought of is true.

“Because you’re pretty.” He said, making it look like a joke but I know he meant it.

“I’m a boy, you know…” I said, testing him.

“Yes. I like pretty boys…” He said, blinking one of his eyes to me and laughs. He is serious… I know…

“Sure. You can make love to me.” I said, testing him again.

“If I did, will you love me?” He asked.

Just as I thought, he loves me. Dear God, didn’t he realize that it’s too late? I don’t believe in love anymore. I can’t feel love anymore. My poor Taichi… what am I supposed to do with you? How am I going to handle this?

“Taichi, don’t waste your time with me.” I simply said it. I knew this is going to hurt him.

“Why?!” He asked, raising his voice again. He is angry, so it seems…

“Because… I had been kissed by an angel of death.” I said. “And that’s mean I’m going to die soon.”

His eyes are full of tears now. “Please! Don’t do it again!” He yelled. It must be over the attempt of my suicide last night. For that, I’m only able to give him an empty smile.

***

“How does it feel like, Hikaru?” Hiro asked me out of the blue.

“Feel what?” I asked him back, playing naïve.

“Slitting your wrist like that?”

“Oh…” I said, looking at my bandaged wrist. “I guess…it’s…” I don’t know how to describe this.

“I want to know… I want to know how it feels.” Hiro ends his words with a knife cutting through his wrist.

“Hiro!” I screamed. Where the hell did he get that knife?! It’s bleeding… that wound on his wrist! I quickly got up to get the emergency kit. I clean up his wound, put medicine on it and bandage it. He did not say a single word as I did these to him. What is the matter with him? Why would he do such things?!

“Aren’t you afraid of me? Don’t you think I’m obsessed or something?” Hiro asked with a sad expression on his face. He hardly had any expression for as long as I had known him. But, now I wonder why he looked so sad.

“Why would I? Hiro is just Hiro… No matter what you do. But, tell me, why would you want to do this reckless thing in the first place?” I asked him.

“I just wanted to know how it feels… I don’t want you to carry all of the burdens alone. I want to feel what you feel…”

Oh God… Don’t tell me… Not another one… Does Hiro love me? Hiro, you can’t feel what I feel. I won’t let anyone feel the way I feel… “Why would you want to feel it?” I asked to confirm my thought.

He just shuts his mouth. There, his eyes sparkle. Is he crying? “Hiro, don’t cry…” I said wiping his eyes.

“Are you going to leave us, Hikaru? Taichi said you told him that you’ve been kissed by an angel of death and that you’re going to die. I won’t let that happen! If you die, I’d die too…” Hiro said and cries. I’ve never thought that Hiro could be like this. He had always been solid and rigid. He’s too ego to cry like this. Why is he like this now? Is it all because of me? “I love you…” he then said those words in a voice that seems to crumble. The voice of a man who’s broken… Why do they all have to feel this way for me? Can’t they see I’m already dead? My love, my heart… they’re all dead to me now. They all died together with Chisato. I won’t love anyone ever again.

“Don’t love me, Hiro. Don’t be so stupid.” I said. Another hurtful statement to a friend... I’m going to hurt him too, just like I’ve hurt Taichi before. “I had nothing left in this shallow heart for you or for anyone at all.” I spoke the truth.

Hiro then pulls me nearer to him and hugs me. It’s tight… it was as if he would never let go of me. “I will love you until I die…” He said with a broken voice and tears in his eyes.

I don’t know what else to say to him to make it okay… “Don’t…” I managed to say.

Dear my friends, I know deep inside of me that things will never go back to the way it was. I can’t go back to the times when everything was beautiful… I can’t go back to being one of those free-spirited young boys whom had thought of conquering the world and tried every single thing that I haven’t tried to cure my curious illness. I can’t go back the times when Chisato was around. There’s no turning around the clock. There’s no way for me to feel what it’s like to love again… the way that I had loved him, with all my being…

***