^Letter From Author 02^

Owarimashita...
thanks for reading!

Hikaru’s suicide letter…

Dear Sano,

You are still my best friend despite of everything that had happened. So, I’m counting on you on this. I hope by the time you got this letter, it would already be over…

I never intended to hurt anyone. I had always been careful not to hurt anyone… But, my efforts were all left in vain. It’s just how the cruel world is. You’ll get your heart broken and you will also get someone else’s heart broken by you. Sometimes, when you’re in love with someone, you wonder why won’t he loves you back. But you never thought of why won’t you love someone who secretly in love with you too. Unrequited love, forbidden love, rejected, accepted… they are all just playing their parts in this cruel world’s game. It’s funny to know that we are a part of it too no matter how much we hated it or not wanting it.

Taichi, Hiro, you… I will break these hearts tonight. Taichi is such a bad-tempered person. But, he cared so much of me. Hiro; no matter how expressionless and anti-social he is, he would do just anything for me. You, my best friend, you would simply use stupid and unnecessary ways to get my attention. I still smile now when I think of it. All of them… I love them no matter what. But, I still love Chisato even more… I’m sorry… I never was able to love anyone other than Chisato. I’m really happy ‘cause tonight, I will see him again. Send my regards to Taichi and Hiro. Goodbye, dear friends. Please… don’t miss me when I’m gone… I mean this. Don’t miss me.

~Hikaru~~~

Part Three

“Tonight, we’ll be coming again, okay?” Tachi said to me as the three of us reach the gate.

“Yes. See you.” I said and they left for their home. As I’m about to walk to the direction of my home, I saw a familiar figure in the distance. He is looking at me with an irritated expression.

“What do you want, Sano?” I asked.

“Do you really think you could run away from me?” He asked angrily.

“What is it this time? Is Ishii not enough for you?”

He looked at me angrily but then, it’s no longer anger. It is sadness… it reflected in his eyes. “It’s never enough…” He said sadly.

I don’t get it. What is it could he possibly meant by that?

“Why can’t you see it, Hikaru? What else do I have to do to you to make you realize?!” He yelled at me like crazy. “No matter what I do, you never see me…” He said. His voice began to tremble and he then breaks down into tears. “I will break you, I will hurt you, I will even kill you! Until… Until you love me…”

“Sano?” I’m surprised to hear this. Not again. Another poor soul… Is he in love with me too?
“You love me, is it?”

“Yes! And that’s why I took Ishii away from you. I just want you to see me!” He said angrily with tears on his eyes.

My God, that was the stupidest thing for someone to do to show his love. “You’re unbelievable…” I said. “You’re so stupid.”

“So what if I am?!” He asked, looking pathetic more than ever.

“Don’t you know how to speak without yelling, Sano?”

“I can’t… I’ve been holding this for too long. I loved you even during the time Chisato is around. That guy, he just won’t let me get anywhere near you! I thought I could have you when he’s gone. But, you just… you just shunned everyone away… including me.” He said and cries. “You even hurt yourself… I can’t stand it, Hikaru… but, I can’t stop you either… What was it that Ishii had that he can replace Chisato?! What is it that I don’t have that I can’t replaced him?!”

He says such things about Chisato without even realizing how much it breaks my heart just to hear the name ‘Chisato’. But that’s just Sano; the selfish Sano who never aware of others’ feelings. I went up to him and hug him. “Sano…” I called out to him. “You’ve always been important, you know? Especially after I lost my family… You’re the closest to me.” I tried to comfort him. How painful it is to live as me… After losing the love of my life, I lost me parents too in a plane crash. No wonder why I don’t feel so alive anymore anyway…

“Why do you have to be with that Ishii instead of me?”

“Because I was such a fool. I just needed someone to replace Chisato. But, I was so wrong. No one can ever replace him. I never loved Ishii… it had always been… Chisato.” I confessed and I cry too. It’s the truth anyway. I was so stupid to accept Ishii whom I do not love at all and it end up tearing apart the friendship that I held for so long with Sano. To think back, he had always hated Chisato and tried to do many things to drive him away. I never knew he had feelings for me… but, he is no closer to me other than as a friend. Or maybe just almost like a brother to my heart.

***

“That stupid Chisato!!!” Sano yelled angrily. “How dare he touches you like that?!”

“Come on, Sano. He just wanted some affection, I guess…” I said trying to calm him down. Perhaps I shouldn’t have told him about Chisato’s harassments towards me.

“I’ll rip his head open!” Sano said angrily while squeezing the pillow on the sofa pretending that it is the head of Chisato. There’s no way to tame this guy when he’s mad. It is me who should be mad anyway. Not him… “You should just stay at our school.” He said after sighing for a while.

“Your school, is it? It’s not our school anymore. My mom made me transferred. Anyway, I don’t even wanna stay there.”

“What? You didn’t want to stay? Even when I’m around?!” Sano hissed. Did I hurt him or something?

“Oh no… It’s nothing like that, stupid Sano… It’s just not safe for me to be there anymore. They all cheered knowing that I’ll be transferring. Aren’t it for the best?”

“It’s the girls who cheered. They’re just jealous because you are prettier than them.” Sano said.

“If they didn’t do anything, I might have stayed. But remember the time when one of them took the knife trying to cut my face? I was scared as hell…” I said, remembering the look on that girl’s face. She looked like an angry spirit or something screaming; “let me tear that pretty face apart!!!” as she chased after me. I got out with only a cut on my back. I don’t want to encounter that anymore…

Sano sighs. I bet he, too, could not escape the fact that all the girls in my previous school will have me killed one day if I stayed. The bell of the front door rang suddenly. I went to the door. My parents were away for a business meeting. They couldn’t have gotten back this early. I was their only child and there’s hardly anyone else who would rang this bell except for Sano, my best friend. So, who could it be, then? I open the door. It’s… Chisato?!

“Hello, there… can I come in?” He simple asked steadily ignoring my pop-out eyes and how shocking it is for me to see him at my front door.

“Ah…Yes….” I said, pulling myself back together. He then simply walks in.

Sano is shocked to see him. I’ve never seen his eyes ever popped-out like that before. He then cries and screams, “I hate you, Hikaru!!!!” He then ran out of the house.

“What’s with him?” I asked to myself aloud.

“Maybe he just had to accept the fact that I’m way too gorgeous and he is no match for me.” Chisato talked big of himself.

I don’t get what he means anyway. “How come you know where I stay?” I asked.

“I looked… Summer holiday is killing me. I can’t see you daily like when we’re in school.” I think what he actually meant is that he can’t torture me daily like when we’re in school. He sat down on the sofa. He taps on his side. “Won’t you come and sit next to me?” He asked.

I did as what he wants. “You’re weird. You just can’t leave me alone, can you?” I asked. After our first meeting, he kept torturing like when he asked someone to push me from behind so that I fall flat on my face with my hot coffee soaked through my shirt… “Kiss me and I’ll get another shirt for you.” He would say. And then, there’s that time when I was playing soccer, he would asked those kids to kick the ball right to my head and had me fainted. When I woke-up, he would be there and said, “I’ve put medicine on you. You should kiss me now to repay for my kindness…” I would just kiss him quickly on his lips every time…

“Yeah… I can’t. You’re just like magnet. I would always be following you wherever you go.” He said with his head high, as usual.

“I wonder why you like to torture people so much.”

“Ah… You’re wrong. It is only you whom I tortured. No one else…”

“Why?” I asked. Maybe it’s a good time to know after all.

“You really want to know?” He asked, still with his head high.

“Yes…”

“Because I like you... No. I love you.” He said, shamelessly.

There it goes. Invisible electric shock runs through my nerve system. I’m dead… or so it feels…

***

I smile remembering those moments. Taichi and Hiro are already in my room. They’re playing video game. It’s one of those racing cars game. I’m not at all interested in that kind of game.

Driving that fast…

It reminds me of the past…

I need to sleep now. If I think of the past, I will cry and feel like slitting my wrist again. Sleep… I must sleep…

The car drove really fast down the hill. It almost hit the signboard by the road! I hear my screaming filled the still night air and Chisato would just laugh at me. He finally stopped the car by the side of the road.

“Chisato, you jerk! What the hell are you thinking? You could get us both killed!!” I yelled at him. I hardly lose my cool before… But this time, I really am mad!

“Calm down, sweet Hikaru… You’re really attractive when you’re mad, you know? Shall we do it here?” He asked me teasingly.

“Chisato, quit joking around! I’m serious! We almost die back there!” I screamed angrily.

“So?” He asked me seriously. I am shocked to hear this. Doesn’t he even care about it? “What if we die, Hikaru? Don’t you feel happy to die with me?” He asked me again, there’s a sad tone to his last line.

“Chisato, are you okay?” I think something is wrong with him tonight.

His sad face suddenly turns back into his shiny usual self. “Nothing, my love! Everything is fine…” He smiles brightly.

I’ve never noticed this before. He is always as bright as the sun. He never feels sad or hurt… at least not in front of me. He never raises his voice, he never got angry, he never cries, he never complaint… he always just smiles brightly and makes me feel happy. This makes me wonder…is it really him? Is he just… faking it?!

“Chisato… I love you… I would die for you.” I try to comfort him.

“Really? Thank you… I will remember that.” He smiles and hugs me closer to him.

“Please… tell me what you really feel, Chisato. I mean, you’re always all sunny in front of me. I wonder if that’s only your façade or something…” I explained.

He then let go of me. I feel the coldness of the night air now. It’s really dark out here… There, he wears a gloomy face. I’ve never seen him like this. I’m worried about him.

“My parents knew about us…” he said. “They do not approve of us. Just like everyone in school.” He looked down. There are tears in his eyes. I quickly wipe it away with my both hands. I wanted to tell him how much I wanted to be with him and I don’t care of what others think. I don’t care about them at all. But, I couldn’t speak. It’s just that this is the first time I’ve ever seen his tears. He then held my hands tightly with his and looked at me, still with those tearful eyes. “I love you too much, Hikaru… I hate this world! I hope that one day we can find a better world for us to live. I hope that we can become invisible and we can fly far away from here to find a better place for just the two of us to be together…” he broke down. With his crumbling voice, he held me close and whispers to my ears, “Maybe only death can safe us from this cruel world…”

I woke up from my sleep abruptly, sweating! I hardly heard those words back then. Now, I heard him!

That angel of death… “Hikaru, join me…”

Chisato… “Only death can safe us…”

It’s what I should do! I had always been wondering; why Chisato had committed suicide? Why does he leave me without saying a word? Why does he jump off from the bridge without me? Did I do something wrong? I had always wondered… The truth… if I really wanted to know the truth…, I should just… I should just ask him myself!

I sat on my study table quickly, turned on the study lamp and write a letter for Sano. Tomorrow is the school’s festival. Everyone will be busy so nobody will realize my absence, I guess.

Tomorrow would be my dying day and this is my suicide letter…

***

I quickly headed home as soon as the festival begins. I manage to stop by at Sano’s house and drop the letter in his mailbox before taking the train home. He would read the letter tomorrow, I hope.

I took the razor from my drawer and went straight into the bathroom. I sat on the toilet seat slowly. The marble floor is wet and the usual coldness that it gives to my feet feels a bit unusual this time. I haven’t done this for a week or so. My hands are trembling… I place the end of that sharp razor on my wrist. I want to push it deeper so that it pokes my skin but I could not do it! I’m scared! I tried… but I can’t! Why?! I’m crying now. I can’t take this. I really wanted to end this… Please…I need the strength to do this.

Wait… What’s that? I thought I saw a shadow passes in front of me. It was quick. I can’t tell if it’s just a gust of wind or a thing. But then, I saw a big black wing. It is like a wing of an angel, only that it’s black. A person is standing in front of me, staring at me. He is the one with the wings. He’s… the angel of death?!

Now I can see him clearer. He is tall… The wings…they are not fake. It’s real! Black feathers surrounded my bathroom’s floor…I looked at him in his eyes. He has dark hair but the eyes; it’s completely black! He’s…

“Chisato!!!” I screamed, dropping down the razor with a low sound of clicking on the floor and hug him close. He’s real! I can feel him and I can touch him. His skin is cold but it doesn’t matter… I’m hugging him! I’m so happy! Nothing seems to matter now. He’s here!

“You can see me?” He asked. That voice… the same beautiful soft voice. The same smell… The smell of cherry…

I’m crying… I can’t take it. I missed him so much. “Chisato, you bastard! Why did you leave me?!” I cried.

He only smiles… After a while, he said; “If you can see me then it means you’re nearing your end, Hikaru.” He then points his finger towards the razor on the floor. It moves on its own! It scares the hell out of me! The razor then flew straight into his fingers. He held it at the tips of his fingers and hand it to me. “Why does it take so long for you to realize?” He said, smiling. “Join me, Hikaru. End it.” He said.

I’m confused… What does he mean? But I took the razor from his fingers and wipe my tears. I hesitated. Should I really end this?

“End it and we can be together…” Chisato said, persuading me. I looked into his eyes; his completely blacken eyes. I can’t read his expression. “Trust me, Hikaru. You love me, do you?” Chisato asked.

“Of course I love you!” and I place it on my wrist.

Suddenly, I heard the sound of someone banging the door. I heard voices from outside. Taichi, Hiro, Sano, Ishii?? They’re all here…Sano must have gotten the letter earlier…

“Now, Hikaru! Do it!!” Chisato yelled at me. I’ve never seen him like this…

“Chisato, you’re scaring me…” I said, begging him not to be mad at me. He never raised his voice to me before in his life.

“Didn’t I tell you? I’ll follow you wherever you go, Hikaru! I hate seeing them clinging onto you so much!! End it now!!!” He screamed. The bagging outside continues…

This guy… is he really Chisato? He’s scaring me… But, that smell, that lips, that voice… It is of his… I missed all of that so bad… if I’m still alive, I will miss the sound of his voice and I won’t be so alive either. If I’m still breathing, I will miss the touch of his hand, I will miss his smile, the way he looked at me… I will then remember all of the memories we had. Those memories will pierce my heart. It will leave my heart with pain, scars, bruises, and cuts that will never heal.
So, this is my chance… to be with him and won’t be alive to live like I’m dead, to always see him, hear him, touch him, and love him. I won’t be alive to keep on asking why can’t I be happy, why can’t I feel anything, or why am I still alive…

There… I slit my wrist vertically, deeper than any other time before. It’s conflicting because instead of feeling scared, sad, or concern, I just feel so happy… It felt burning hot at first as the pain stings. I’m ignoring it. I’m just looking at my Chisato there. The world won’t matter. Life don’t need to save a room for someone as broken as me. I just don’t care anymore. The red blood oozes down from the wound like hot lava streaming down from an exploded volcano. I feel a little relief somehow. I’ve done it. It’s ending… all my pain, all my tears, all of my wish and numbness will be put to rest. Now, I can feel my whole body is shaking. It’s really cold like I’m somewhere out on the street on winter. The wound doesn’t feel so hot anymore. I just feel so cold… The blood flows just like water out of me. This will surely not stop bleeding. Please… don’t stop bleeding. Let me run dry. Let me go… I watch the blood flows continuously. I’ll bleed to death… I don’t feel the pain anymore. I just feel cold and this one most pleasant feeling. It felt just like when I’m a baby. It’s some sort of lightness in me. My ears ring. They ring with words from my memories… My once sweet memories…

“Hikaru, one day we will become invisible and fly away from here."

“I’ll become a ghost chasing after you…”

“I love you, Hikaru.”

His words are ringing in my ears… though his eyes are no longer the color of brown; he is still looking at me in his beautiful way… My beautiful Chisato…

I like the fact that Chisato is no longer angry. He is smiling now. He then spreads his wings open and wraps it around me as he held me close to his chest. But, I don’t feel warm. I still feel cold… This coldness seems to slowly creep all over my body. “I love you, Hikaru…” He said softly… I could not…speak… I feel numb. I feel… no-thing… “Sleep now.” He whispers into my ears softly. I…can’t…bre-athe… My lungs… My hea-rt… s-to-ps… … … As the door burst open, I closed my eyes… forever…

***

If Chisato didn’t choose to die, if I also did not make this decision to die, will we ever be accepted in the world? It is forbidden for us to be together. They call us with all sorts of name. The lighter one would be, ‘gay’. The harsh one would be something like, ‘faggot’. But, despite it all, I’m just a boy and Chisato is also a boy and we love each other just like other couples do. What matters is the fact that we “LOVE” each other; it’s not a crime to love someone and be loved in return. We’ll one day wake up in a new world, a world of freedom, far from this so-called ethical world, where the only name they’ll call us is… ‘lover’…

THE END

Part Two

Those poor two souls… If I had known their feelings sooner, I might not end-up like this… am I?

Taichi and Hiro had come to sleep in my room every night now. They are worried about me, I know… I had slit my wrist so many times before. It’s just that they never knew. I told them that it’s not like I wanted to die or anything. I just do it to cure my illness. I’m sick of feeling so sad and alone and also nothing at all…

Sadness…

Loneliness…

Numbness…

Those are my sickness…

But it’s just that on the night Taichi found me, I really do feel like I wanted to die. I miss him… I miss that angel of death. A sudden breeze of wind lightly touches the skin on my face as I thought of it. It feels cold…

He was there, wasn’t he? On the night when I first done it. I thought I heard a voice… Every time I slit my wrist, I always heard a whisper. That beautiful mysterious whisper… And I always felt cold wind on my lips. It was as if a kiss. A silent kiss… But the last night I’ve done it, it’s more authentic. I could feel him hugging me and his voice no longer drowning in a whisper. I could hear him clearly…

If it wasn’t for these poor two souls, I can meet my angel of death again. They just won’t leave me alone. My angel of death… Are you a ghost? Or are you a devil? Or could you just be an angel? Near death experience gives you wonderful feelings…

How do I get rid of these two? Maybe, I can pretend… Pretend that I’m okay. Fake my smiles… Or I could even pretend that I’m in love with either one of them… What a splendid idea!
No… No. I don’t want to hurt them that much… Everything should be okay now, isn’t it? It should be… there are those who care for me after all. I should be happy… should I?

“Oy…” I called out to both of them who were sleeping on their futon on the floor and squeeze myself in the middle of them.

“Hikaru, what are you doing?!” Taichi asked in an angry tone though he still sounds half-asleep. Hiro just simply go back to sleep. For a moment there, I thought he was a statue or something. He’s unmovable… and it’s also hard to wake him up in the morning.

“I feel cold so I thought some body heat might be nice.” I said smiling in the darkness of the room. I wonder if Taichi can see this smile that I put on display for him.

“Oh well…” He said and goes back to sleep.

Wow, it’s been a long time since I feel this way. The last time I ever slept next to anyone would be three years ago. I feel warm and comfortable already. Suddenly, I feel Taichi is hugging me.

“What’s up, Taichi?” I asked.

“Can I kiss you?” Taichi asked a difficult question for me to answer.

“Hiro is here…” I gave him a simple excuse.

“He sleeps like a dead man…” Taichi said and quickly weave his weight on me. I can feel it now; every inch of his well-built body on top of me. A boy as weak as me could not push him away. He’s such a strong guy. He won lots of trophies for martial arts in school and ever represented the school for martial arts competition worldwide. But, I don’t want this… I put my hand on his chest indicating him to back off though I did not say a word. “It’s your fault for wanting to sleep here. You’re cold, right? Let me heat you up…” He said and our lips met. I was warm. He forced me to open up my lips for his tongue but I refused. When was it the last time anyone had ever been on top of me like this? I missed those moments…

I closed my eyes.

Let’s play pretend…

^He is Chisato…^

So I let him kiss me and I also kiss him back. We kissed each other for a while now but, he’s gotten more aggressive. His hands started to move all over my body. He began to undress me. It is at that time when we both stopped. There’s a sound of a glass broken somewhere suddenly. I put my pajamas back on and turn on the lights. It’s the vase near the window. It’s broken… then, a gust of cold wind passes through me. Is it…?

“Wonder what could have broken it… the windows are closed.” Taichi said and slowly hugs me from behind.

“Please… Taichi… Don’t.”

He then sighs and let go of me after a while. “I’ll clean that up.” He said. Maybe he gets what I mean… I just didn’t mean to hurt him.

But, that cold wind…

The broken vase…

Is it my angel of death?

Is he here?

Is he angry?

***

Hiro had just finished bathing. He then goes straight to my drawer. “Can I wear one of your shirts?” He asked me.

“Okay…” I said. I didn’t mind anyway.

As Hiro picks one of the shirts, Taichi took it away from him as fast as a bolt of lightning. “You can’t wear that!” He screamed at Hiro. He then hand in his own shirt to Hiro. “Wear mine!”

“No! I will wear Hikaru’s!” Hiro fought back for my shirt.

“No! It’s mine!!” Taichi screamed and pulls it to him stronger.

“Now, now… if you guys go on like that, you’ll rip my shirt apart.” I said, sitting on my bed watching them. They stopped pulling for a while but then continue to fight for it. I sigh and say; “Come one, you guys. Why don’t you both wear any of my shirts, okay? There are plenty of them in the drawer…”

Okay, that seems to work… they both found the shirt that they wanted and let go of the first one that they were fighting for. Do these kinds of thing happen when you love someone?

“What’s this?” Taichi asked suddenly. He picks up a frame from my drawer with a picture in it. It’s a picture of me and Chisato in our school uniform.

“Is this your boyfriend?” Hiro asked, looking at it too. “So you are into boys, huh?"

“What?! You never told me you already had someone! I’d hate to admit it but you guys do look good together.” Taichi said in his usual angry tone.

I quickly got up and went to them. I took the picture slowly away from Taichi’s hand. I guess I just can’t hide the sad look on my face now. I hold the picture close to me as I went back to sit on my bed. “He was my boyfriend.” I said solemnly.

“Was? So you broke up with him?” Taichi asked a stupid question.

“We never broke up.” I said. I looked down, fighting the tears. I remember how Chisato looked; a tall senior with dark hair and soft brown eyes. He is so beautiful… he smell of cherry. It was his bathing foam. The smell lasted on his skin. I had always liked the smell of him. He is firm yet, graceful in many ways… I should just tell them. They never knew about it. They should know.

“He’s dead.” I said, still fighting the tears and hugs the picture closer to my chest.

“Ah! Sorry…” Taichi said, in shock.

“Sorry.” Hiro said softly.

That’s what they all said…

“Sorry for your loss.”

That’s just what they all can say…

Now the memories hit my head like gunshots…

I had been transferred to all-boys school in Saitama. I hated being in my previous school. The girls there hated me. They say I should not exist or something and that boys shouldn’t be prettier than girls. What’s with them? There’s no reason for them to be jealous or anything. I’m just a boy. And a boy couldn’t have possibly been prettier than girls! God! It’s not my faults that the other guys would chase after me. It’s just my poor luck. The guys would try to do all sort of harassments to me and the girls would just hate me.

I had my dark hair longer back then. I would tie it up in a pony-tail style. When I looked into the mirror, it does feels like a girl is staring back at me with her wide shiny green eyes. But still, I’m just a boy. I used to be a happy-go-lucky person. I guess that’s why the other boys would suddenly come around me and try to do funny things to me. They treated me like a joke. It was at that moment when a tall senior with an unusually beautiful looks saved me. And after that, nobody ever dare to go near me. That guy is Chisato. He is the president of the student’s council board. Everyone respected him. He looks at everyone in a serious manner and talks firmly with them. But, he is always nice to me. He would look at me with his beautiful eyes and speak softly to me with his beautiful lips.

Is that really me back then? A happy-go-lucky person, is it? It’s just that I was never really lucky… I remember the first time I ever spoke to Chisato in person.

A senior wearing spectacle suddenly stood in front of me. He is the secretary of the Student’s Council Board. “The president wanted to see you.” He said.

“Really? Did I do something wrong?” I asked, worried.

He just smiles. “Maybe you did…” He simple said.

I feel my heart is beating faster and I sweat a bit. Why would the president wanted to see me? I open the door of the Student’s Council meeting room. There, all sort of gorgeous guys are in the room. But the most beautiful person, who really caught my attention would be; the president.

“Ah… you’re here.” The president said with a soft voice. “Come… sit here…” he said indicating me to sit in front of him. I went straight to him and sit there. “How ‘bout some tea?” He asked.

“Ah... That’ll be nice.” I said. What’s this smell? Smells like cherry.

“Hurm… a small guy like you had such a strong voice.” He said noticing it.

“Yes. Thanks to that, people will believe that I’m a boy.” I said. It’s the truth. That’s like the only visible masculinity for me.

“Interesting…” He said. And then he served me the tea.

“Thank you.” I said as I took the cup and sip it. I put it down on the table and look at him in his eyes. What a beautiful pair of eyes… And those eyes are staring at me deeply as if it could reach my soul. I quickly look away.

“You’re Hikaru Suzui, right?” He asked.

“Yes. Um… I haven’t quite figured out your name, though… I’m sorry…” I said. I think I’m trembling. Being in this room is way too awkward for me. They are all looking at me.

“How rude…” He said, but it doesn’t seem like he’s serious over the matter.

“What? I’m sorry!” I said almost sounded like I’m begging.

He looked at me with piercing eyes. “Let’s teach you some manners.” He said teasingly. I’m scared. I’m really scared. It’s like he possesses some kind of devilish aura or something. “Kiss me and I’ll tell you my name…” He said and smiles innocently at me. He is totally in contrast of the way he looked at first! What a ‘Drama King’!

But somehow, my lips could not move…

I can’t utter a word…

Then, it just moves on its own and met the president’s lips. It is a soft kiss. It’s him. It’s his scent that smells like cherry. What am I doing? “Can I know your name now?” I simply asked. That was really an automatic act. He’s too beautiful to resist. He had that devilish aura that makes me feel so curious and interested in him.

“Chisato Akifumi.” He said, smiling, looking satisfied.

“Akifumi-san, if you excuse me, I have a class coming.” I said.

“Please call me Chisato, Hikaru.” He said. “Nice to meet you.”

Aren’t it a bit too late to say this? “Nice to meet you too.” And I walk away.

***

Part One

My dear, Chisato, where are you now? Are you happy up there? Have you forgotten all about me? Do you still love me? Will you ever forgive me? I missed you terribly. I always cry just by a thought of the times when you are still here. I feel sad when I remember you. I won’t forget how you look, how you talk, how you taste… I want to be with you so bad. Can’t you see I’m suffering? My heart is broken. Sano took Ishii away from me. You know how Sano had been my best friend for years. And Ishii is the only man whom I can open-up my heart to after you’re gone… though I’m not really sure if I really love him… Is this what you want, Chisato? Do you feel so alone up there that you wanted me to be alone too? If it is so, can I just join you? Being alive is painful and lonely. How does it feel when you’re dead?

***

I took the razor and slit my wrist again. This would be… hmmm how many time is it?… I hardly felt anything at first. Just that sharp end of the razor when it hits my skin; it felt cold. It started with a short sting of pain. Slowly later, I can feel the gist of pain… it’s coming slowly. Now, it hurts so bad… I can feel tears filling up my eyes. They stream down on my cheek when I blink just like those bloods streaming down from the cut. They drip on the bathroom floor, covering the white floor with a pool of red liquid. I’m savoring each sensation… this time, it seems serious though… as if I really wanted to die. The blood is oozing from the wound fast. The first few cuts that I made weren’t this deep. Will I die tonight? If it is so, it would’ve been wonderful…

I heard a knock at the door out of a sudden. Who would still be awake this late of night?

“Hikaru, are you in there?” A voice called out to me.

“Yes…” I said without realizing how it almost sounded like a whisper. The pain must’ve taken the best of me. Why am I even answering his call?

“Are you okay?” The voice asked. Now I recognize it. It belongs to Taichi.

“I’m fine…” I manage to control my voice so it doesn’t sound like I’m in trouble. “I’ll be out in a minute…”

I quickly wash my hand. Damn!! It’s so painful! But, somehow, I liked it. I like this pain. It’s my friend...

Hush! That’s when I felt it. It was as if someone is hugging me from behind. I can’t see him in the mirror in front of me. I just heard his voice calling me; “Hikaru, join me…” Who is he? I can’t see him! But… wait a minute! “Chisato?!” I asked. And then I feel it. A kiss… A soft kiss on my lips. It tasted like…Chisato. My love, Chisato… I miss you… And there it goes, the tears came again. I remember…

Chisato held my hand, tighter than usual. He looked at me with his beautiful eyes in his usual beautiful way. I never thought I would fall for a guy before but Chisato changed everything. He kissed me deeply. He then whispered his sweet promises into my ears; “I will love you forever, Hikaru. I will always be watching you. I will always be with you.” I laughed when I heard it. “But what if you die?” I asked him teasingly. “Then I will become a ghost chasing after you.” He said it seriously and I just laughed at his words. But, deep inside my heart, I would want it. I would want him to be around me, forever…

***

When I’m awake, I’m on my bed. So, I’m still alive, is it? My wrist is covered by a white piece of cloth. It looks like a bandage. It still hurts…

“You fainted.” Taichi said without looking at me, sitting at the side of my bed. There’s a sad tone to it.

“Oh…” I didn’t know what else to say.

“Next time when you go to the bathroom, I will accompany you.” He said. It’s like an order instead of an offer.

“But, I won’t do it again.” I lied. I can’t let him stop me. I would already be dead if he wasn’t there. He must’ve crushed the door open. Why does he have to save me? I’m so close!!!

“Don’t say those lies through your teeth like that!” he said raising his voice. He seemed angry when he turns his head to me.

“Okay, okay… You can take a bath with me, wash my back, or do anything you like, okay?” I said without caring much of the consequences, trying to calm him down. All I’m thinking about is who was it that gave me that silent kiss back then… was it a ghost?

“Can I?” Taichi asked suddenly. “Can I even make love to you?” He asked something that brings an invisible electric shock to me. What’s with him? Is he…?

“Why would you want to?” I asked to ensure what I thought of is true.

“Because you’re pretty.” He said, making it look like a joke but I know he meant it.

“I’m a boy, you know…” I said, testing him.

“Yes. I like pretty boys…” He said, blinking one of his eyes to me and laughs. He is serious… I know…

“Sure. You can make love to me.” I said, testing him again.

“If I did, will you love me?” He asked.

Just as I thought, he loves me. Dear God, didn’t he realize that it’s too late? I don’t believe in love anymore. I can’t feel love anymore. My poor Taichi… what am I supposed to do with you? How am I going to handle this?

“Taichi, don’t waste your time with me.” I simply said it. I knew this is going to hurt him.

“Why?!” He asked, raising his voice again. He is angry, so it seems…

“Because… I had been kissed by an angel of death.” I said. “And that’s mean I’m going to die soon.”

His eyes are full of tears now. “Please! Don’t do it again!” He yelled. It must be over the attempt of my suicide last night. For that, I’m only able to give him an empty smile.

***

“How does it feel like, Hikaru?” Hiro asked me out of the blue.

“Feel what?” I asked him back, playing naïve.

“Slitting your wrist like that?”

“Oh…” I said, looking at my bandaged wrist. “I guess…it’s…” I don’t know how to describe this.

“I want to know… I want to know how it feels.” Hiro ends his words with a knife cutting through his wrist.

“Hiro!” I screamed. Where the hell did he get that knife?! It’s bleeding… that wound on his wrist! I quickly got up to get the emergency kit. I clean up his wound, put medicine on it and bandage it. He did not say a single word as I did these to him. What is the matter with him? Why would he do such things?!

“Aren’t you afraid of me? Don’t you think I’m obsessed or something?” Hiro asked with a sad expression on his face. He hardly had any expression for as long as I had known him. But, now I wonder why he looked so sad.

“Why would I? Hiro is just Hiro… No matter what you do. But, tell me, why would you want to do this reckless thing in the first place?” I asked him.

“I just wanted to know how it feels… I don’t want you to carry all of the burdens alone. I want to feel what you feel…”

Oh God… Don’t tell me… Not another one… Does Hiro love me? Hiro, you can’t feel what I feel. I won’t let anyone feel the way I feel… “Why would you want to feel it?” I asked to confirm my thought.

He just shuts his mouth. There, his eyes sparkle. Is he crying? “Hiro, don’t cry…” I said wiping his eyes.

“Are you going to leave us, Hikaru? Taichi said you told him that you’ve been kissed by an angel of death and that you’re going to die. I won’t let that happen! If you die, I’d die too…” Hiro said and cries. I’ve never thought that Hiro could be like this. He had always been solid and rigid. He’s too ego to cry like this. Why is he like this now? Is it all because of me? “I love you…” he then said those words in a voice that seems to crumble. The voice of a man who’s broken… Why do they all have to feel this way for me? Can’t they see I’m already dead? My love, my heart… they’re all dead to me now. They all died together with Chisato. I won’t love anyone ever again.

“Don’t love me, Hiro. Don’t be so stupid.” I said. Another hurtful statement to a friend... I’m going to hurt him too, just like I’ve hurt Taichi before. “I had nothing left in this shallow heart for you or for anyone at all.” I spoke the truth.

Hiro then pulls me nearer to him and hugs me. It’s tight… it was as if he would never let go of me. “I will love you until I die…” He said with a broken voice and tears in his eyes.

I don’t know what else to say to him to make it okay… “Don’t…” I managed to say.

Dear my friends, I know deep inside of me that things will never go back to the way it was. I can’t go back to the times when everything was beautiful… I can’t go back to being one of those free-spirited young boys whom had thought of conquering the world and tried every single thing that I haven’t tried to cure my curious illness. I can’t go back the times when Chisato was around. There’s no turning around the clock. There’s no way for me to feel what it’s like to love again… the way that I had loved him, with all my being…

***

Prologue

“What’s this?” Taichi asked suddenly. He picks up a frame from my drawer with a picture in it. It’s a picture of me and Chisato in our school uniform.

“Is this your boyfriend?” Hiro asked, looking at it too. “So you are into boys, huh?"

“What?! You never told me you already had someone! I’d hate to admit it but you guys do look good together.” Taichi said in his usual angry tone.

I quickly got up and went to them. I took the picture slowly away from Taichi’s hand. I guess I just can’t hide the sad look on my face now. I hold the picture close to me as I went back to sit on my bed. “He was my boyfriend.” I said solemnly.

“Was? So you broke up with him?” Taichi asked a stupid question.

“We never broke up.” I said. I looked down, fightingthe tears. I remember how Chisato looks; a tall senior with dark hair and soft brown eyes. He is so beautiful… he smells of cherry. It was his bathing foam. The smells lasted on his skin. I had always liked the smells of him. He is firm yet, graceful in many ways… I should just tell them. They never knew about it. They should know. “He’s dead.” I said, still fighting the tears and hugs the picture closer to my chest.

“Ah! Sorry…” taichi said.

“Sorry.” Hiro said.

That’s what they all said…

“Sorry for your lost.”

That’s just what they all can say…

Now the memories hit my head like gunshots…

^Letter From Author 01^

NOTE

bold= past memories
italic= emphasizes and inner thoughts or feelings

Have fun reading my angst piece.... I make it first person point of view (Hikaru's) so that you'll get the emotions...